The Ryder Times

Hi and welcome to The Ryder Times!


This blog will be dedicated to bikers and their pillions, their rides and misadventures from local to far flung roads. We aim to keep you entertained, along with all the latest pics of new and re-discovered trails, towns, watering holes, stories of old and new friends and some general misbehavings! We would love it if you would contribute too, with any news of interest or just for the hell of it, so don't be shy, take us on the road with you! Our email address you will find on the blog side bar.

Please bear with us, this blogging thingy is new to us hoodheads and as we grow, we'll just get better. We also hope that along the rides, we'll get to meet some of you. We have an event calendar on the side bar which you can check and please email any events or rides or rallies that you have coming up and we'll post those too, all and every club is welcomed. However, if you want to advertise there will be a levy, payable in a social gathering involving alcohol, any excuse right?

Thanks for visiting us and we hope you get as involved in this blog as we do.
The Ryder Times

"The Charlatan" By Our FIRST Guest Blogger the Fabulous "Danusha" @ a Biker Bar near you..

Biker bars, you get some nice ones, you get some really nice ones and then you get the kind where good friends meet.  Then you get The Charlatan, this is a pub that has the ice cold beers and excellent parties.  It’s where great friends meet and new friends are found.  It is one of those pubs that you can walk into and feel like you have come home.  But don’t get me wrong, it also has its down side.  You know what I mean, when the guy sitting at the bar is so pissed that he thinks he is the best looking oke in the bar.  You know that type every bar has one, some even have two or even three, but they are always there.  

They are either sitting at the bar drinking and when you are dying for a drink and there is only one space and it's next to him.  When you stand there he turns and looks at you, smiles and low and behold he has some teeth missing.  That seems to happen to a friend of mine all the time.  It doesn't matter where we are.  The strange guy at the end of the bar will find Muffy.  He'll smile and wink, it’s not funny I know, but the more that you drink the funnier it becomes.  Muffy being the socialite that she is just takes it with a shot of Tequila and laughs it off.  She is a good sport.  Then we have Basil her lover, sweet, serious guy that only has eyes for her.  They met at University, they have such a good understanding of each other or should I say they are both so laid back that they complement each other.  

Then there is The Dude, the new kid on the block. The Dude has been around biking all his life, and now has decided that he would like to be a biker.  Basil has taken him under his wing and will be showing him the ropes.  Then there is Danusha, she is the mother hen, checking up on all her boys and girls making sure everyone is looked after.  Always smiling but don’t get on her bad side.  Then there is Anakin the tall silent type, the observer, friendly with everyone and the ladies love him.   Check out the Charlatan sometime and you will walk out of there with that warm feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling of satisfaction.  

Love & respect

Danusha (Original Author)

A girls first time...

I haven't been riding pillion for very long, maybe 6 months or so and have had to learn the rules as we go by. When I first started, the instructions were 'sit close to me, legs tight, arms around my waist', sure dude, what else do you think I'm going to do, stand up on one leg and wave, of course I was going to hold on, damn tight, especially when I laid my eyes on his bike, although I pretended to be uber cool, my mind was screaming 'what the fuck is that thing, omg, shit shit shit..' So trying to keep my legs from shaking, I got my first instructions on how to securely put on my 'hood' (that's what I call it) while being told to pay attention (I could not help staring at the monster I was about to get on, was I crazy,I must be fucking certifiable!) as it was now my responsibility to be safe and he was not going to do it for me after this little demo (what a gentleman).

I had on a borrowed hood as I had yet to get my own kit (and it was early days, so spending all that money on what was at that time an explosive  physical chemistry, was a tad premature), so on goes the hood as instructed. I motioned for him to help me with my jacket zip (at that time I was thinking how bloody ridiculous, I can't even see my zip with this bloody thing on my head) and he shook his head, again my responsibility, christ all-fucking-mighty! By now I was thinking he was just taking the piss, standing there watching me struggle while silently pissing himself with laughter (haha, who's not going down on you tonight brother, no, he's not really my brother).. So after stubbornly struggling, I eventually get myself together for the next demo, getting on that huge scary looking beast (the bike, peeps, the bike..). Right, no problem, I think I can handle this one (gawd, how am I going to balance myself? What if my arse hangs over the seat..?) So on he gets and revs the beast a few times (is he doing that because he saw my legs shaking?) and now it's my turn and I'm thinking I had better do this like I was born to do it, he'll think I'm even hotter.. (girls are strange)

 So, over and on and I can tell you that was not half friggen sexy, it felt quite hot if I'm to be honest, sitting there with your legs astride a vibrating piece of machinery.. er.. yes..um..now I get it ;) And off we go, hitting the highway and I feel slightly bad that I keep banging my hood against the back of his every 30 seconds or so (I'm told this is common in a newbie pillion, but still..embarrassing!) but he told me, close and tight which is why I couldn't understand when put his arm behind him and stuck his hand between my crotch (dude, put your hand back on that thingy you're meant to be holding up front there!!), that first time is always like, what the fuck are you doing?? I'm sure he thought it was a laugh, I however was not laughing. (not that first time, but now I kinda look forward to it..)  I won't bore you with the ride but to just say that it was exhilarating, exciting and the most awesome feeling, first off and I'm hooked like a cheap one night stand that starts stalking you :) Now the poor man is probably wondering what he got himself into...

Honey R (and still lovin' every minute of it)


postscript
He did take me to some biker bush bar for the w/e where I ended up having a blast, left my ass print on a kitchen table and got chowed by bed bugs, charming.. And no, we have not been back ;)


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Crotch Rocket Full Throttle

Crotch Rocket Sexual Stimulating Topical Gel

Crotch Rocket is a funny name for an extremely sensational product.  It is the ultimate, natural botanical blend, female stimulating gel. Crotch rocket gives you the perfect ending to a perfect day of riding.This carefully selected combination of Chinese botanicals and rich oils is blended into a potent gel for those most sensitive places.  After a beautiful day of riding you’re looking forward to an equally beautiful evening. Have you ever wondered why sex is a bit better after an enjoyable ride.  Riding a motorcycle is a sensational cornucopia of smells, emotions and physical sensations.  This causes a heightened awareness of all the senses and our senses are what we use when we enjoy each other’s company.  Simply put “Crotch Rocket” allows us to take that heightened sensation to a whole new level.When you’re planning your next romantic trip on the bike while you’re making those bed and breakfast reservations and packing that beautifully sexy negligee, don’t forget to take it to the next level.  Crotch Rocket sexual enhancement gel is small and concentrated and will fit easily in a jeans or jacket pocket.When asked, women who ride bikes have been heard to say “It’s like sitting on a big vibrator, so what’s not to like!”  Crotch Rocket Sex Enhancer allows you to take that stimulated feeling to the next level in the bed room.The reason it can be counted on to work well time after time is the quality of the ingredients. There are other products out there but they are made to enhance the everyday not to excite those that are already ride stimulated.Remember to sensually heighten the morning before and/or the night after the ride and use the only sexual enhancer designed especially for bikers because it has to work when you’re on the road.  Crotch Rocket was designed to fit in a small container, be concentrated and work like you need it to because there is no extra space on a motorcycle!


We all know that going to a rally means that you are unlikely to get a good shag from your partner due to him/her getting absolutely shit-faced but keep this Crotch Rocket in your pocket as we know there is a fair share of skanky Ho' pussy wandering around, looking desperate enough to let you have a good old rogering behind the beer tent for a tequila or two. This is where the Crotch Rocket really comes in handy, lather it on thick because chances are she's been rogered a few times already. My advice is to look for a relatively sober one, get in there early before she turns into the Grand Canyon and you have to resort to some bum lovin'. Below is a handy guideline based on extensive research.

• 1 beer = warm up
• 2 beers = small chat
• 3 beers = start of flirting

At this stage she's going to stick around as she has finally figured out that you have a bit of dosh. She will start to smile more, try not to notice her yellow teeth or the slightly droopy eye and ignore the stain on her jean inner thigh. Although best to have a quick count which will indicate where you are on the cock ladder, if there are more than 4, start aiming for a blow job, even Crotch Rocket has its limitations.

• tequila time starts now
• 1 tequila = a steadier flow of laughter at almost every thing you say (don't hassle about the missing teeth, it's a bonus if you're aiming for the blow job)
• 2 tequila =  a bit more touching, you can now put your hand on her arse and stare openly at her tits
• 3 tequila = You can start pushing her to the back of the beer tent. This is a good time to watch her walk, if she's a bit bow-legged, definitely the blow job
• 4 tequila = Don't waste your dosh anymore, you're just making it easier for the next dude
• 5 = Get the Crotch Rocket out, quickly apply to member and start pushing Ho's head down. Be forceful if necessary, although this rarely happens as skank is now drunk enough to suck off an elephant.

This guideline should only take 15-20 minutes max. If it takes longer than that then you're gay.


Happy Crotch Rocketing. Half price on re-fills for a limited time only.


H.Ryder (Author)

Bad To The Bone..

Bad boys, Iv always loved them but yet again Iv never really been a good girl either. Good girls and good boys equal the rather grotesque fantasy that our society relies upon to create a neat little nuclear package, however, if you watch the crime channel, these white picket fencers usually end up murdering each other and stuffing body parts in their freezers while calmly going to a PTA meeting. So, Iv never wanted that scenario, I'd end up chopping up my own body very slowly..

The bad boy is infinitely sexy with that 'fuck you' attitude, a touch of smouldering anger behind his eyes, so it's no wonder that more than a few good girls have dropped their knickers, or dropped to their knees in sheer awe, lols..! How long she'd hang around when bail money is needed is any one's guess but a bad girl would try to smuggle in a fat doobie in her bra without any knickers on, just in case a quick fiddle could be done on the side.. You can spot a bad girl with a good boy a mile away, you can almost imagine the Louboutin heel indents on his arse :), he's usually just a pet for a bit, like a rabbit, and then you shoot, skin and eat him ;o)

 I was in a bar a few weeks ago with my 'bad' other half when a young stringy haired blonde, braces wearing, cross eyed girl got a bit enamoured with him, unfortunately 'bad' other half had his rum goggles on and didn't quite see what I did but her cross-eyes were straining to focus, she was clearly impressed that she was being talked to at all.. I tend to stay away or go elsewhere when the flirting starts but when I heard her ask if she could see his 'bike', I just had to save him, otherwise weird looking (and a bit poor, I think) good girl would have had her hands down his Levi's while serrating his gums with her braces. Bad boys have that much appeal, it's hard not to be drawn in by that kind of raw sexuality, bad girls know that they'd get an almighty shag, good girls have no idea and would most likely be scarred for life if he felt like anal that night..

So it really comes down to if you'd like a tender caress and a picnic or like your ass to be squeezed while your getting a bit of rum tongue, I know which one I prefer and it aint a wicker hamper.. ;o)

H. Ryder (Author)
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Gamkaskloof

by Alan Dowds | 2011-03-08

Gamkaskloof in the Swartberge has always been one of my favorite destinations. It all started with my first road trip shortly after buying my Softail Fat Boy.

We were going to the Graaf Reinet Harley rally and decided to leave a couple of days earlier and take the long route; from Cape Town, via Clanwilliam, Carnavon, Upington, Kimberly, Oranje, etc. After fueling up at Clanwilliam, I checked the map and noticed a short cut across to Carnavon and, of course, it was only once we arrived at the road that I realized it was gravel. I looked at this road and I looked at my spotless new Harley with less than 2000kms on the clock and I had a big decision to make. I enjoy getting off the freeway and taking these lost dirt roads instead. I often chose these roads on my previous Jap cruiser (Yamaha Dragstar 1100) and navigated them without a problem. It was then that I decided that this bike was going to be a real work horse for me too and she would have to prove herself accordingly.

After a few kilometres I was pleasantly surprised at how stable the bike was on the dirt. Maybe the fat tyres, the heavy solid rims and the low centre of gravity helped, but soon we were bombing along the straights at 80 km/h comfortably. Over 200kms later and some strange looks from the “GS” riders along the way, we reached Carnavon. I was really impressed with the way the bike handled the gravel.

The Graaf Reinet rally was great. We left Graaf Reinet and stayed over in Prince Albert. The following morning we decided to go to Oudshoorn via the Swartberg pass. When we got to the top of the pass we saw the turn off to ‘Die Hel’. We stopped and I thought about it for a while. Seeing that the Harley felt comfortably stable so far on the pass, I fi nally decided “Oh, what the Hel”.
The fi rst section of road was no problem. We then got to the part where you go down into Die Hel. It’s a really steep, narrow road with very tight bends and it’s been pretty messed up by the 4 x 4’s that plough their way up. I thought to myself that I’d come this far and this was the fi nal obstacle between us and our destination. I kicked into gear and idled all the way down in one go. The Harley glided through the bumps and dongas brilliantly. We were down before we knew it.

We spent two nights at Annetjie’s place where we rented a caravan. Annetjie is one of the last real ‘Kloovers’ left down in Gamkaskloof (Die Hel). We really felt welcome and we got food, fi rewood, linen, beer and real Kloof Witblits on the spot.

Once down in the Hel, the road is good. It’s a fl at stretch of about 4kms to the end of the valley. There’s no electricity supply besides generators and solar panels, nor is there any cell-phone reception, but you can make a phone call from Annetjie’s shop (if you must). We took a ride to the end of the valley (in shorts and no helmets). Most of the farms have been taken over by the Parks Board now. We got a few unwelcome looks for disturbing the peace further down into the valley. It would have probably been a better idea if we had walked from the caravan park. There are great hiking trails and an abundance of fascinating birdlife. The weather can also be quite unpredictable. For instance, a patch of bitterly cold wind and clouds would sweep through the valley and 30 minutes later the sun would be scorching down again. Generally the weather and temperature was a bit on the hot side, but still pleasant. Except for the sound of the wind and the birds, there is almost an eerie silence that prevails down in the valley.
Before taking the road again, I checked every nut and bolt on the Harley and, I’m proud to say, there was not a single one that needed tightening. Coming up out of Die Hel was much easier than going down. We just sat vas and thumped all the way up in 1st and 2nd gear. The views were really spectacular and we stopped regularly to take it all in.
Once we were out of Die Hel and its rather primitive road, the Swartberg Pass was easy pie. Seeing how well the Harley handled these roads and how exciting it was, we subsequently made our way back to Cape Town using the back gravel roads through the farms that eventually brought us out at Montagu.
Since this trip I’ve done a number of dirt road trips on my Harley Fat Boy. She’s proven to be a rock-solid workhorse. Two years and 38,000kms later she’s yet to let me down. After a good, hard day of riding, I always stand back looking at her in awe and tell her she’s certainly ‘One Hel of a Bike”.

Table Manners

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes....